Post by droidofages on Feb 24, 2009 10:56:18 GMT -4
A friend of mine who was studying to become a lawyer once told me about how it warps one's view of reality. A number of these apparently real courtroom transcripts could offer some merit to his opinion:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
Some of these lawyer/witness teams should take their acts on the road. They could revive Vaudeville.
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
Some of these lawyer/witness teams should take their acts on the road. They could revive Vaudeville.